Podcast Ep. 28: How Women Lawyers Can Express Their Feelings Professionally

We can all have very powerful feelings at work. Fear, loneliness, anger, frustration. But as women lawyers, we can sometimes hesitate to express those feelings because we worry about being seen as too emotional, unprofessional or not quite partnership material.

And yet, a vital element of becoming a brilliant communicator and asserting ourselves is being able to say how we feel.

Our feelings are a fact. That is what we are experiencing. If something matters to us or is affecting us, staying silent can allow resentment to build and damage our relationships.

Of course, that does not mean we need to share every feeling we have. It means learning how to express what matters in a way that helps other people hear us.

You do not have to get it perfect

I once worked with a client who was dealing with a partner who was frequently rude and dismissive. It was starting to affect her confidence.

We worked together on preparing for the conversation and finding the words she wanted to use. The next time he was rude to her, she said, “If you say that again, I am going to leave the room.”

She was having a very strong emotional reaction and was trying desperately not to cry. But what she said was perfectly reasonable. The partner got the message and began treating her better.

Sometimes, particularly when we are not used to asserting ourselves, we may cry or get angry the first few times we speak up. That does not mean we have failed. We are practising a new skill, and the important thing is simply to start the conversation.

Find the words that work for you

When we are feeling angry or upset, it can help to choose words that are a little less emotionally charged.

Instead of saying, “I am absolutely furious,” you might say, “I am feeling slightly irritated.”

Instead of saying, “That was devastating,” you might say, “I felt put on the spot.”

You could also say:

“I am feeling a little nervous about raising this, but I thought it was worth mentioning.”

“There is something that does not sit quite right with me.”

“I am not really comfortable with how that played out.”

These phrases help you express what is happening for you without immediately blaming or judging the other person. They can also help you stay calm enough to have a productive conversation.

Give yourself time when emotions are strong

Sometimes our feelings are so powerful that it is difficult to have a constructive conversation in the moment.

If that happens, it is perfectly reasonable to buy yourself some time.

You might say, “I want to give this some proper thought. Could we pick it up tomorrow morning?”

Or, “Something has happened that does not sit well with me, but I need a little time to process it. Could we chat after lunch?”

Use that time to think about what you want for yourself, what you want for the other person and what you want for the relationship.

This can help you approach the conversation with a clearer idea of what you want to achieve, rather than simply reacting to how you feel.

Learn to set boundaries

Expressing our feelings can also help us set boundaries.

You might say, “Unfortunately, that does not work for me. Could we talk about what might work for both of us?”

Or, “If that happens again, I will need to leave the room.”

The words you choose will depend on the situation. Sometimes a gentle statement is enough. In other situations, you may need to be much firmer.

The important thing is to recognise when something is not acceptable to you and to find a way to communicate that.

And if someone tells you that you are being too emotional, you do not have to deny your feelings. You might say, “Yes, I am upset because this affects my work. Can we come back to the issue?”

Your feelings can be relevant information. You are allowed to care about the outcome and to say so.

A little exercise to get you started

Think of one small thing that has been bothering you at work. Choose something relatively low stakes so that you can practise.

First, write down how you feel using the strongest words that come to mind. Perhaps you feel furious or devastated.

Then find a milder way of expressing that feeling, such as slightly irritated or a bit surprised.

Next, write down your opening sentence. You might start with, “I wanted to have a quick chat about something,” or, “This feels a little uncomfortable, but I thought it was worth mentioning.”

Practise saying the words out loud a few times. This can make it much easier to have the conversation when you feel ready.

And if you are not ready yet, that is absolutely fine. Saying the words out loud is still a useful first step.

Becoming a brilliant communicator does not mean never feeling uncomfortable or emotional. It means learning to recognise what is going on for you and finding the words to express it.