Tough Women Partners

One of the things I’ve been sitting with recently—because it keeps coming up in conversations with clients—is a difficult but important truth:

We want to support other women in law, and yet sometimes, the people holding us back... are women leaders themselves.

It’s not an easy thing to say. And it’s even harder to experience.

I’ve heard stories from brilliant associates who assumed they’d get empathy and flexibility from women partners—only to face harshness, rigidity, and dismissal. But I’ve also spoken with incredible women partners—leaders who are vulnerable, generous, flexible, and fiercely loyal to their teams.

So today, I want to talk about the former. I want to hold space for a tough but honest conversation about why some women, under pressure themselves, pass that pressure downward—and what we can do about it.

The Inner Critic: When Being Tough on Ourselves Spills Over

This topic touches me personally. For most of my life, I was told: “You’re so hard on yourself.”

It took years to understand what that meant.

I held myself to impossible standards—perfection in every direction: work, appearance, parenting, performance. And when we carry that kind of pressure internally, we can unknowingly place those same expectations on others.

In high-stakes environments like law, where time is scarce, stakes are high, and the culture still often rewards stoicism, this pressure turns toxic. Women under strain may come across as harsh or unempathetic—not because they don’t care, but because they are barely holding themselves together.

Fear, Judgment & the Brain Under Stress

What’s really going on here?

In those moments of stress and fear, we operate from the limbic brain—the reactive part of us that triggers blame, judgment, tunnel vision. It’s where the “not good enough” loop plays on repeat.

My job as a coach is to help women shift out of that space and reconnect with their prefrontal cortex—the seat of creativity, perspective, possibility. When we do that, we stop seeing others as threats or disappointments and start seeing the bigger picture.

The Double Binds Women Face

And let’s be clear—women in law face a minefield of double binds:

• Be assertive and you're "too aggressive"

• Be collaborative and you're "not leadership material"

• Speak up and you're "difficult"

• Stay silent and you're "invisible"

I hear it all the time: “I’m not being listened to.”

Sometimes, in order to be heard, women feel they must raise their voices, harden their tone, and wield power forcefully. And while that may create short-term results, it often erodes trust, morale, and retention in the long run.

A Compassionate Rethink: 5 Strategies for Women Partners

Here are five ways we can gently shift out of survival mode—and become the kind of leaders we admire:

1. Start by Listening to Yourself

Lay down. Breathe. Ask: What do I need right now?

So often, the answer is simple: Rest. Support. Compassion.

By attuning to your own needs—sleep, space, help—you build the muscle to tune into others. Asking for support from your team is not weakness; it’s trust. And it empowers them.

2. Think Long-Term (For You and Your Team)

Ask yourself:

• What kind of partner do I want to be?

• What kind of growth do I want for my team?

• What kind of relationship do I want with them?

Let me share a story: A woman lawyer in Canada, close to burnout, switched to a four-day workweek—first for herself, then for her whole team. In the first month, profits went up 12%. Why? Focus, engagement, and trust.

She hired pregnant women. She supported parents. In return, she got top talent and loyalty.

When you think long-term, everything changes.

3. Role-Play Your Toughest Moments

One tool I use often in coaching is role play. Take the tough situation—say, a team member returning from maternity leave—and explore different responses.

Try the extreme tough line. Try the overly lenient line. Then find the nuanced middle ground—one that honors both your standards and your values.

This is leadership as craft. Play with it.

4. Work on Perfectionism (and Shift Toward Excellence)

Perfectionism is about what others think of you. Excellence is about what you value.

When you drop perfectionism, you move from self-judgment to learning. Mistakes become feedback. And your leadership becomes more humane—and more effective.

5. Learn to Coach Your Team, Not Control Them

Great leaders don’t have all the answers—they ask great questions.

Use the CUBIC feedback model:

• Q: May I give you some feedback?

• B: Behaviour – What I noticed was…

• I: Impact – The effect that had was…

• Q: How does that land with you?

When you coach, you build capability, not dependency. And your team grows stronger—without you needing to micro-manage.

What If You're Being Managed by Someone Too Tough?

If you're on the receiving end of harshness, it's not easy. But here's a tool that helps:

Nonviolent communication:

“When you say I must stay late despite my children being unwell, I feel demotivated. I want to do a great job, but I also want to find a solution that works for both of us. Could we have that conversation?”

It’s not confrontational. It’s clear, respectful, and direct. And it starts a real conversation.

Next Steps

I know this topic is hard. And if you're feeling the weight of it today—whether you're leading a team or being led—I see you.

This is why I created Pathway to Partnership—a program for women lawyers within 1–3 years of making partner. We cover:

• Clarity on why you want to be a partner

• Confidence in your own leadership voice

• Practical tools for winning and keeping clients

If you’d like to know more, DM me. I’d love to talk.

Let’s keep talking. Let’s lead from compassion, not fear. And let’s build law firms that work—not just for the billables, but for the people.

Warmly,
Cecilia