Podcast Ep. 16: Navigating The Business Lunch As A Woman Lawyer
When I was a finance lawyer in Paris, I once organised a lunch with former colleagues and felt enormously pleased with myself. I had done the hard part, hadn’t I? I’d arranged the meeting, got everyone in the same room, and created an opportunity for the firm.
Then my boss asked me a question that completely changed the way I think about business development:
“What are we going to talk about?”
My instinctive response was that we would simply listen, respond naturally, and see where the conversation went. But he pushed back. He explained that we needed to think strategically about what we wanted from the lunch and how we wanted to position the firm.
At the time, that felt slightly uncomfortable. But he was right.
Because here’s the thing many women lawyers are rarely taught: listening is essential, but at business lunches, listening alone is not enough. You also need to know how to sell in a way that feels authentic, intelligent, and human.
And for many women, that’s exactly where the discomfort begins.
The Confidence Trap
There’s another layer to this.
Research consistently shows that confidence and competence are often confused especially in professional environments. The charismatic person who walks into a room radiating certainty is frequently assumed to be the most capable person there.
But confidence and competence are not the same thing.
In fact, studies suggest that while women and men report feeling similar levels of confidence internally, men are far more likely to appear confident to others. And appearance matters because people often mistake visible confidence for expertise.
That matters enormously in client development.
Many women lawyers I work with are deeply competent, thoughtful, and excellent at their jobs. But they often hesitate to “sell themselves” because they associate selling with arrogance, manipulation, or self promotion.
Meanwhile, the louder voice in the room is often assumed to be the expert.
Clients should beware of that dynamic, frankly.
What Not to Do at a Business Lunch
Years ago, when I was working at Natixis Asset Management, a lawyer invited us to lunch and proudly announced:
“We’re sharks. Feed us.”
I still remember how viscerally uncomfortable it made me feel.
And it completely put me off wanting to work with him.
The good news is that business development does not have to look like that.
In fact, some of the most effective relationship building happens in ways that are much more aligned with how many women naturally communicate.
A Business Lunch Is Not the Entire Relationship
One of the biggest mindset shifts is understanding that a business lunch is not the relationship.
It is simply one touchpoint in a much bigger relationship building process.
I often describe client development through what I call the “Define, Draw, Deepen” model:
Define who your ideal clients are
Draw them into your world
Deepen the relationship over time
The business lunch sits firmly in the “deepen” category.
Which means the real question is not simply: How do I have a great lunch?
The real question is:
What happens before and after the lunch?
Will they hear from you again?
Will you invite them to events?
Will you send them relevant articles?
Will you stay visible and useful?
There always needs to be a next step.
Why Women Often Get Stuck in Small Talk
One story I heard recently stayed with me.
At a law firm retreat, a group of women partners and one male partner were chatting together. Eventually, the conversation drifted toward slightly more personal topics such as holidays, children, and life outside work.
Nothing deeply intimate.
But apparently the man became so uncomfortable that he physically got up and left.
Many women are socialised to build connection through emotional openness and relational conversation. Many men, by contrast, spend much more conversational time discussing business, politics, markets, current affairs, and external topics.
Neither approach is inherently better. But professionally, this creates an interesting challenge.
Because many women lawyers tell me that client lunches quickly become warm, friendly, rapport building conversations but never quite move into territory that establishes professional credibility.
The client likes them.
The client enjoys talking to them.
But the client doesn’t necessarily leave thinking:
“This is the lawyer I need.”
Four Better Ways to Approach a Business Lunch
So how do you handle business lunches in a way that feels natural and strategically effective?
Here are four approaches I recommend.
1. Think of It as a Sales Conversation
I know. Nobody likes the word “sales.”
But sales does not have to mean pressure, performance, or persuasion tactics.
At its best, a sales conversation is simply:
listening deeply,
asking intelligent questions,
understanding problems,
and sharing relevant expertise.
That’s it.
If you genuinely understand a client’s challenges and can explain clearly how you might help solve them, you are not being sleazy.
You are being useful.
And frankly, clients are looking for lawyers who can do exactly that.
2. Decide What You Want to Learn
Many women approach business lunches feeling responsible for making the experience valuable for the client.
But the lunch should also be valuable for you.
Use it to understand:
the client’s industry,
organisational dynamics,
market trends,
internal decision makers,
legal pain points,
opportunities for collaboration,
and even cross selling possibilities.
Some of the best questions are surprisingly simple:
What are the biggest issues your team is facing right now?
What do you value most in external counsel?
What frustrates you about lawyers?
What changes are happening internally?
What are you seeing in the market?
Clients are often delighted to talk about their world and thoughtful questions position you as commercially aware and genuinely interested.
3. Use Lunches to Build Thought Leadership
This is one of the most powerful approaches of all.
If you’re researching a topic, writing an article, preparing a conference presentation, or exploring a legal trend, suddenly you have a very natural reason to reach out:
“I’d love to hear your perspective on this.”
That changes the dynamic entirely.
Now the lunch becomes an exchange of expertise rather than a networking exercise.
You learn from them.
They experience you as intellectually curious and commercially engaged.
And over time, you genuinely become known as a specialist in that area.
It also creates an easy follow up afterwards:
sharing the finished article,
sending conference materials,
continuing the conversation,
or introducing them to others.
4. Look for Ways to Be Helpful
Human beings are wired for reciprocity.
That doesn’t mean helping people strategically or manipulatively. It simply means recognising that relationships deepen when people feel genuinely supported.
Sometimes that support is professional:
making an introduction,
sharing information,
recommending a colleague.
Sometimes it’s personal:
suggesting a hotel,
helping their child find work experience,
recommending a school or restaurant.
People remember generosity.
More importantly, people remember how you made them feel.
And the lawyers who build lasting client relationships are rarely the most aggressive people in the room. They are usually the people clients trust most deeply.
Before Your Next Business Lunch
Before your next client lunch, take five minutes to ask yourself:
What would I genuinely like to learn?
What expertise or experience could I share?
What questions would help me better understand this client?
How might I continue the relationship afterwards?
How could I be genuinely useful to this person?
Because successful business development is not about becoming louder, slicker, or more performative.
It’s about becoming more intentional.
And the good news is that many women already possess the exact relationship building skills that create exceptional long term client trust.
The challenge is simply learning how to combine warmth with strategic credibility.